done w my outvest post, but decided to tuck it away, into the crevices of my drafts folder where it will lay quietly and be forgotten
deluge of emotions (i am lost in so many ways), but above all
i do feel relieved
And in a blink of an eye, here we are at the finishing line.
today has seen an excess of emotion. sandwiched between holding on and letting go, and in this struggle, there is desperation with which the fragments will cling on to each other and form a shape, barely visible cracks, fissures praying to be healed.
this post will be an incoherent piece, penned by a frazzled self immersed in stream of subconsciousness; impervious to the harsh reality that what has defined me so well
is soon coming to an end
they say that seconds before you die, your entire life flashes before you. and the irony lies in how we only really reminisce when we reach the end; and not during the pockets in between. i guess i could say (minus the morbidity), likewise is Council: here i am at the finishing line, relishing every moment that dissipated in a flash. honestly, the transience of life is so frightening and beguiling at the same time. what i hold so dearly to my heart always seems to pass in a flash; yet when i am caught up in an endless tide of concerns, all that occupies my mind is the dread of being ensnared in the slow passing of time
in retrospect, Council has been a perverse synthesis of joy and dread. it’s almost comparable to a ‘burden’ weighing down my mind for 1.5 years (if i include the days of campaigning), providing a constant pipeline of angst and frustration- yet therein lay the most precious, most endearing, most unforgettable moments of my life. as inspired by kundera, the heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by man’s body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life’s most intense fulfilment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.
Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into the heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. Stepping down and having Council abstract away from my soul is going to be difficult, and is sure to create a void that yearns to be filled. they pass comments like ‘once you step down from Council you can finally focus on your studies’. but this gaping void prays so much to be filled with more than just the academia. Council has always been a distraction from my studies, something that can fulfill me so much more than a mere shining certificate of good grades. over the years i have come to the stark realization that the certification is merely a paltry physical manifestation of something that speaks nothing of one’s character. during my year in Council i have weighed the opportunity costs and appreciated the trade-offs of tainted grades for the Council experience; and i am so immensely happy i stuck by my decision. doing the things i love in spite of the pressures to excel in the academic realm - that passion should never be pushed to the sidelines for what society expects of us - in all certainty, this mentality will stay with me for the rest of my life.
listening to the stepping down song, the warmth of its lyrics trickling down my gullet, the tears that well up as i digest each line-
多少次迷失方向 总有你在我的身旁
陪伴我走过 最难忘的一段
无数次欢喜悲伤 总有你陪着我分享
过去的美好时光 我只能回头望
it’s 2.44am. post to be continued tomorrow.
